My Lonely

Solace in my own company

Alone

Small moments pass

Quickly

While Lonely has left me

Sad feints at synchrony
Symmetry

Sex

Stay

Please just stay
Go

Lonely is loud

An aching

Hangover alarm

Lonely wailing away

The fearful revery

I keep but momentarily

Alone in my own company

Alone

A moment happy

Now leaves me
Certain

It always comes
Lonely
And they come

Long and short between

More and less they stay

Please just stay

 

Lonely

My empty space

Rebels at intrusion

While Rueing the void
Vacancy
Vacantly they come

Even all of me welcoming

Even all of me pleading

Please just stay
Go

The Lonely does its lonely work
I/We/They/Hate me

My Lonely
Shudder

I dont know the shape of it

Only that it routes

Invasion

Inevitably

Shudder

Softly pace the dark

Prison/guard/dog

To keep me

Keep you out

Hold me

In
Please just stay

Anyway

Aside

Full Moon in Scorpio

I laid the Sun down

After walking her 

weary to bed

To the west
Her sheets

Blue and rose
Gentle 

Turn about

Tip toe

To the east I crept
To my mistress Moon

Returned to me full

And naked

Rising

In the setting

The setting
At our last meeting

A red haired woman lit the night

I stayed in for a while

A good, long while.

And I missed her
And I missed the Moon
No colors interrupt us now

Of hair 

or daylight dozing

We are alone again

My once monthly lover

That never leaves
One or two lovers

Never leave

I’ve never seen God

But I see His daughter 

Across a river now
She will do

Should He tarry further

She is a faith

A worship in a way
On my knees I confess

Sin and ache

The same

As a priest would hear me

She hears me

I confess
A crystal white light

Colors a tear

Caught on the second knuckle

Of my right

index finger

Wept

wept away
She has come

She will come again

Another night

For another day
-Me 5/10/17 8.57p

So it goes

Tags

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3-26-17

Podcasts and laundry. Likely I’ll cook something too. Vacuum and rearrange my room around in sunlight and bergamot scented candles. My space a surrogate for something else I wish could be changed. Made more welcome by a lovely scent. Ordered and reordered to suit me. 
Thing is, I am no decorator. Though I can see and know great design, I can’t create it in any space. Be it a room or a heart or myself, any art to be found is an accident. I don’t know how I want it all to look. I can’t say what would be more pleasing beyond this insistence that it be different than it is now. 
All of it. Everything. Writing desk on another wall. Bed facing East West instead of north south. Books to a shelf instead of piled on a stand. Honest instead of cruel duplicity. Wanting me as much as was promised. Loved firmly and safely, not this paper bridge I knew I’d fall through before making a step. 
I think that if I owned my space it would be different. More care, more expense, more permanently considered, I would make a study of arrangement and content. For now, I just moved shit around when I get antsy. I know nothing about filling a permanent space with my own want. My own fulfilment. My own rest. Not a home, not a heart. Nothing. 
I can clean what I have though, and I can move shit around. 

Come Now 

​Come 

Love me then

Just come bravely

Don’t doubt

Just hold me

Bravely

Shed self consciousness

And come

A hero

Though this hail of gunfire

Come

Climbing over my enemies

Come

In the last hour of my hope

Come

In fire and song

Battered and beautiful

Ash covered

Smiling

Come

I have doubt enough

Fear enough

For us both

Come bravely

Doomed, I await you

In this dark, come 

you last light 

Come now

Come bravely

Retro downgrade 

Mercury goes direct tomorrow

Gag order lifted

So what do you have to say for yourself?

What now?

Who are you now?
Same signs say it is a new day

My heart to realign under a newer, better sign

And stay that way for a dozen years 

Which leaves me laughing 

When Ive wondered for a decade

‘Am I cursed?’

The implication is that I was

No more?
Lucky in love
Terrifying. Really

Ive grown timid with tempering

Too much, perhaps, to try

In a flood full of good hearted women

Arriving too late

Having just now resolved, again

That I don’t want to date
Likely not

When my heart said it was time

‘Try again. It is time’

It was

I tried
‘Success’ was not the word

My heart spoke plainly 

‘Try again. It is time’

To hope and fail and hurt again 

To rise and rise on the warming air

Pulse erratic

Ecstatic

Dramatic and doomed
Time to pan out

Every ounce of mud

In this stream

As long as it takes

To find the last treasure 

That I missed in all my searching 

Mud and work

The task of winning my own heart

And so I start

Retrograde 

Last day of retrograde

Mercury muddibg waters murky

Two eclipses this ellipsis

One for the money

Two for the hoe 

Literally the money changing came first

My position blotted out in the new, more like absent, moon

‘End of something major’

Number two

The moon and starry eyes went dark that night
Muted and miscommunicated 

Every expression gave wrong impression

Had a bad day for a month, is all 

No wheel the spin ineffective

No soil to not find purchase in
All were unwilling in the time of ‘no dice’

Spirit and chance went away to sleep with eachother 

Cheating on me

I can’t sleep

Mercury in retrograde is ‘no. Just don’t’ 

Doesn’t matter what you think 

Want

You must wait
All things considered, I did well 

To only break a few things

Too bad that vibe of those was my own heart 

Next time I’ll have a plate on hand to shatter 

The A.N.T. Files: 1

I want to drive

Further and faster 

Than my little old truck goes

That remains

A space

A need

You left in me

You made

You filled

I can’t fill it now without you 
Like the music

At least as loud as the howling 

Of my maddened mind

Painful clarity

Rewrite recast 

All of the songs

Again. Again for years on end
Dusty busted trucks and speakers of mine 

Windowpane clear

Painful and good to hear

New notes and nuance unknown
I knew them once

Because I knew you

Room 

Space made and filled

By you

The room remains

But I can’t fill it now

You are gone
I welcomed you to enter 

This one-room heart

Maybe more, this was all

That I used

Needed

Knew
My heart would grow

Wants to

And it can

Forever outward 

Inward

Around you

Reform

Remake remodel to allow you

Any. Every. All

Welcome, guest

It grew

It changed

Making room

Making rooms

For you to belong

To hold you

I held you

In this reformed heart
The season is turning

Colder than I can bear

Pull tight window shades

Light switches ‘off’ and doors locked shut.

I can’t keep up

All of these rooms in key that you tended to

Locked, key in pocket

I retreat now to the corner I started in this mansion

That my heart became for you. 

That I can’t bear to even say is a mansion 

No. Just my room with me

There is no, was no, will never be a you. 

There is no room

Oh, Ache. Oh, Ending. Oh, Fuck Your Eyes.

Again with the eyes

I am teased

Trembling 

Truth is

I believe you
What are words like ‘impossible’ ?

‘Good for now’? 

I was both the immovable object 

And the unstoppable force
‘Impossible’ up until

She became a God- miracle 

Or God

Laughing down my best defense

Stopping me

Wordlessly 

Captured in the elemental

Ice structures of her irises

Ice older than history

Blue before men named the color

Chilling me ten thousand years after

The blue of her eyes wad made

Before man 

Before me
Before me now, prostrate 

Before the Hurt, and Why

She stops me

Why?

Daydream slow walk every ruined solitude

On sight
Deft and quick-dodge 

Diving head-long

Halted mid-air
Flee now

Flyby fight or flight

I freeze

Ice bound in the glacier ancient blue

Of her eyes 

Frostbitten 
Try to ignore

She demands to be known

Abstaining 

She becomes like air

I must breathe her or choke 

My heart is a vapor now

Wafting to the ether 

Insubstantial skyward

Out of my own sight

She saw my sneaking spirit

Seized me like a ladder rung

Made a soul substantial

From nothing
‘Die if you like

I can bring you back

With my tears

I can bring you back

To life.’
Her words. Now that is poetry